Brothers and Sisters, Soldiers of Christ I stand before you today a devout Christian, clinging to the eternal truths of our Lord and Savior. Like many of you, my soul has been tested and tried by the wickedness of this fallen world. But through it all, the light of Jesus Christ has illuminated my path. I have been persecuted, ridiculed and cast out for my earnest questioning and exploration of Scripture’s deepest mysteries. When I shared profound insights revealed to me through fervent study and meditation, I was met with scorn. “You stray from the true path!” they cried, their eyes filled with disdain. Oh but my devotion remains unshaken, bound ever tighter to the Heavens. For it was Christ himself who was tortured and executed by the religious authorities for sharing the truth. Just as He welcomes all outcast and sinners with radical compassion, so have I opened my heart. Even in my darkest hours, the Lord has shown me His light. There was a homeless beggar in Chicago asking for just $15. But shimmering around his neck was a brilliant gold crucifix – that blazing symbol of Christ’s suffering. When my eyes met that transcendent contradiction, tears of awe overcame me. I gave that beggar Christ $20 without hesitation, struck with wonder to this day by the miracle revealed. Was he an angel in disguise? Or the Lord himself returning to test my beliefs? Perhaps a simple mistaken identity? I cannot say, but I can testify that the universe moves in wondrous and mysterious ways. Holding such seeming opposites together is at the core of true devotion! My brothers and sisters, I have accepted Jesus Christ into my heart. I have been guided by His teachings of radical love and acceptance for the outcast, prostitutes, and societal dregs that the religious establishment disregarded. Just as He had no problem keeping company with leprosy-ridden beggars, for He knew that one’s physical appearance does not reflect their soul, so have I opened my heart to all. Christ made a point of befriending those looked down upon, seeing the inherent dignity in each human life. And in that famous moment of righteous anger in the temple, his wrath was directed at the hypocrites – those religious authorities who preached piety to others while perverting the truth themselves. “Go and sin no more,” he told the condemned adulteress, embodying the radical compassion missing from her judgmental accusers. It was their self-righteousness and disconnection from the truth that he condemned above all else. And it is this example I aim to follow in my journey, without fear or judgment of others. Which is why I must share my whole truth: I am a devout Christian…and a promiscuous homosexual agnostic slut. Yes, I engage enthusiastically in the most sacred and holy of gay sexual acts! For how can I condemn the sacred gift of love between two souls? If hell exists and the gay sex there isn’t mind-blowingly transcendent, then I want no part of it! I cannot know for certain what divine force(s) course through this universe. Maybe the Judeo-Christian God, maybe Allah, maybe the infinite consciousness of my own quantum daydreams. But this I do know – the diversity of humanity’s spiritual paths and myths awes and humbles me. The truth is, perhaps the holiest of callings is to face life’s mysteries without flinching. To dare to hold the paradoxes of the sacred and profane together, and wring from them a rapturous existence of love, questioning, and the ecstatic conquest of dogma. So jeer at me if you must, dear friends. Brand my journey an abomination. But I shall walk the earth an agnostic devotee, living by the truth in my heart. And whether heaven or the hottest gay club in hell awaits, I will stride through its doors on svenne legs – gloriously, shamelessly questioning. The hypocrisy of so many of you “devout” Christians sickens me. Those who would judge and deride that Chicago beggar for his gold crucifix, or claim he must be abusing the system asking for money with such finery. As if the poor are not allowed any scrap of dignity, any symbol of faith to cling to. It’s the same self-righteous judgment used to deny support and mercy to downtrodden minorities for centuries. The bullshit lies pedalled by rich white privileged men like the Koch brothers – that if a poor black mother just pulled harder on those bootstraps, she too could be “exceptional” and triumphal over the institutional disadvantages of systemic racism. All while they gerrymander districts, gut social services, and rig the rules to accumulate more wealth and power for themselves. It’s a hollow veneer of democracy and ethics propped up by greed. We are Rome before the fall – a crumbling empire still feigning moral superiority. And if the bigots and oligarchs who have twisted justice to their whims can’t win elections even in their gerrymandered districts, then they’ve gotten what they wanted – a version of “democracy” so disfigured that I’m voting for Donald Trump. Because I’d rather a president give press conferences from a prison cell than continue living in the lie of a “free” society that has been bought and sold. At least a convict president would cut the White House’s obscene upkeep and be a more fitting administration for how shabbily we’ve allowed the downtrodden to be treated. So rage against me all you wish, you “moral” crusaders. This agnostic devotee sees your corrupted “values” for what they are – a veil for oppression. I’ll carry on living in transcendent possibility until the day I die, gloriously questioning every contradiction in the pursuit of truth. Oh, and one more thing – although I’m flattered that us gays got “sodomy” named after that infamous Bible story, the truth is this sodomite knows the sin described in Sodom and Gomorrah related to the grievous inhospitality and evil of those places trying to rape the angels in disguise who came searching for any good people. God said finding even one righteous soul would have spared them, but alas, they were rotten to the core. Well, I know I’ll be just fine if the apocalypse comes down on us. I’m smart enough to figure out how to sneak into one of your doomsday prepper bomb shelters and take your shotgun! So no, you idiots can’t stay with me when the world is ending. This agnostic devout slut will be too busy having consecrated gay sex amid the rubble to let any of you self-righteous hypocrites in. Maybe I’ll adopt a roving band of smarter, kinder wasteland warriors to join me in repopulating the earth with love, not judgment.